I always get excited about the clocks going forward - no more dark evenings, the start of warm weather... For the past six months I've been finishing work and travelling home in the darkness, which I really dislike. However, the clocks going forward will forever hold another meaning to me now.
At this time exactly a year ago, I was in a dark place to say the least. Amongst all of the taxing second-year university work and the pressure that I was under to complete my assignments, I'd been faced with another, more long-term choice to make - to continue with my life in the way that it had been to save hurting someone else, or to make myself happy and give myself a new lease of hope.
Initially, I despised myself for even considering putting myself first. I couldn't bear the thought of hurting someone after all that we'd been through together. There was one huge problem, unfortunately - as much as I cared about them, I just couldn't reciprocate the feelings that they had for me any more. I tried my best to bury the thoughts that I was having but eventually, they burst from my chest and my world came crashing down onto me. They wanted to know why I was being so distant and the words were almost forced from my mouth. I was dreading the reaction that I was going to get and boy, oh boy did I get it...
The next few days were something of a nightmare. I held a dinner party at my house with a few friends the day after our initial talk and whilst they laughed and joked away, I suppressed my emotions and tried to join in. It was tough, pretending to be happy when I was far from it; however, I think I just managed to pull it off. Hey, I'd been doing it for the past few months so why should it have been any different then?
Then came the day of the clock changing. I'd had a long, tiring day at work and to make matters worse, I managed to screw up my day through a lack of concentration. As I left with my eyes to the floor and my heart dragging along behind them, a friend of mine noticed my sadness. They tried to get it out of me but I refused to talk. I got home and locked myself away in my bedroom, far from the troubling day that I'd had. I just wanted to shrink up into a small pile of dust and prayed that nobody would notice.
Then, a ray of sunshine shone into the blackness. "I've finished work... I'll be with you in about 15 minutes!" It was my friend that noticed my sorrow earlier on that day. I smiled to myself in the knowledge that someone was on my side throughout my troublesome time.
They arrived in almost no time at all - yet somehow, an hour had passed in between.
"What's the time?" I asked, fumbling in my pocket for my phone. I pulled it out and gasped.
"2am?! I swear it was 12.45am only a moment ago! Oh, wait... of course! The clocks went forward, haha!"
After a brief chuckle about the time change, we talked. We talked some more. We started to laugh and joke a little. Eventually we got on to the topic that I'd been dreading talking about. I froze momentarily before I gently let the thoughts escape from my lips. After listening intently to me for a few minutes as I spoke, my friend said one thing to me that struck a chord deep in my heart:
"You should never base a relationship on how long you've been together. If things aren't right, for any reason, you have to be fair on not only your partner, but yourself. Leading someone into false hope isn't the way to go."
It was as if a door had been unlocked before me. False hope... After months of turmoil, I had finally made my decision. I had the key to the door - now, I just had to open it...
I stayed with my friend all night, discussing my feelings and working things out. Before we knew it, the sun rose and it was already 7am. We said our farewells, rubbing our bleary eyes, then went home. I fell asleep as soon as I got into my bed and was completely zoned out for the rest of the day, having to wake up just three hours later for work.
This year, I'm spending my day a little differently and thankfully, without a worry in my heart. I will be forever thankful for that person who dug me from the dirt when I thought I could dig no lower. The decision that I made that night was, quite frankly, one of the best that I've made in my life so far.
A year on, I'm as happy as can be. I can't wait to see what the next year holds! :) x
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